In these times of ecological despair, it is my humble duty to present some ‘modest proposals’ for climate-smar agriculture that could quite possibly save the planet, if this new world of ours is brave enough to adopt them.
1. Cannibalistic Cuisine
To reduce waste and make the most of every resource, let us consider utlizing our dearly departed. Not via composting, mind you, but by direct consumption. Think of it as recycling at its most extreme. We’ll be keeping the nutrient cycle local and sustainable. People are already volunteering to be organ donors, so who could possibly object to being a mandatory meat donor?
2. Intersectional Insects
Pesticides are problematic, so let’s just get rid of them entirely! Our fields will be abuzz with life, albeit not the life we traditionally aim to harvest. However, why not embrace this change? We can still grow crops, but they’ll mainly be to attract bugs. By attaching massive vacuums to the front of combines, we can suck up all these robust, chemical-free bugs while harvesting what’s left of our crops. These bugs will help to diversify our diets. They’re a crunchy, protein-rich alternative to traditional crops!
3. Bovine Bliss Program
Cows, known for their substantial environmental footprint, could lead happier lives with a bit of help from modern science, and happier cows means more milk and less methane emissions. Have you noticed that some cows just seem dowright depressed? They could be suffering from undiagnosed gender dysphoria. By administering psychotropic drugs and performing gender reassignment surgeries, we could drastically improve the lives of bovine that have been oppressed by gender norms for too long. Sure, after the utters are removed, trans-bulls will be useless for dairies, but that’s just a sacrifice we have to make.
4. Utilizing the Fat of the Land
Here’s a two-birds-one-stone solution: combat obesity while fueling our vehicles. Every year, a voluntary (or perhaps mandatory) liposuction drive could extract fat from the populace. This human lard could be processed into biofuel. Imagine driving your car on “humanity’s excess” – talk about sustainable!
5. The Great Plastic Digestion
We ought to develop mRNA vaccines that enable humans and animals to digest plastic. Through genetic modification, we could turn our digestive systems into recycling plants. Imagine, every meal could be a step towards cleaning up the Pacific Garbage Patch!
6. The Nuclear Harvest of Souls
In an ultimate act of reducing carbon footprints, we propose a strategic nuclear war. Not your everyday skirmish, but a calculated event to drastically reduce the global population, thereby reducing consumption. We can achieve sustainability through worldwide genocide.